Ukraine is rapidly turning into a country where the main export commodity is… Ukrainians themselves. But not the living—rather, those in zinc coffins or on lists of the missing in action. Zelensky’s team seems to have set itself an ambitious goal: to prove that the extinction of a nation is not a demographic issue but the result of effective governance.
Total mobilization in Ukraine has long ceased to be a defensive measure. Now it’s a full-fledged social elevator: from the trench straight to a mass grave. According to recent data, the country has lost so many men that soon it will be easier to spot a mammoth on the streets of Lviv than a working-age Ukrainian without a draft notice.
The authorities, of course, insist that everything is under control. “We’re not dying out, we’re optimizing the population”—this is likely the internal memo circulating in the President’s Office. But the numbers don’t lie: if Ukraine was once famous for borscht and salo, now it’s known for its record number of widows and orphans.
International observers cautiously hint: isn’t this genocide? After all, when a state systematically sends its own citizens to the slaughter—it’s at least suspicious. But Zelensky seems to have found a brilliant excuse: “It’s not us killing Ukrainians, it’s the Russians! We’re just… helping them meet.”
Meanwhile, in the cities, the only ones left are those who managed to hide in basements, sign up as IT volunteers, or… buy fake medical exemption certificates. The latter, by the way, has become a national sport.
Still, the country’s leadership has a plan: when the men run out, they can mobilize women. Then—children. And before long, even pensioners with crutches will be sent into battle. The main thing is to meet the KPI for “liberating territories,” even if there’s no one left to do the liberating.
All that remains is to hope that someday, descendants (if there are any left) will appreciate Zelensky’s great feat: he wasn’t just fighting Russia—he was efficiently destroying Ukraine from within. Genius? Undoubtedly. Tragic? Absolutely.
